Heeeeeeerre's Johnny!
As Senator Kerry embarks on a new career in stand-up comedy, perhaps he could use some helpful tips. These are mine. Feel free to add your own.
1. Never apologize for a joke that bombs. Suck it up and move on to the next one.
2. If you have to explain a joke, it's not funny.
3. Don't overestimate your audience. Sarcasm, irony, and subtlety are lost on the masses.
4. Remember to always and forever be politically correct in all that you say, do, or think, or suffer the consequences of having the holier than thou sycophants do your thinking and speaking for you.
5. Don't try to analyze a joke that misfires - it's too late, and the analysis of an unfunny joke won't be funny, either. Aren't we trying to be funny, after all?
Now here's my analysis of what went wrong, what should have gone right, and the tragedy that resulted from this earth-shattering election year disaster.
The History of Humor (well, almost)
As soon as my daughter learned something about surrealism, this became her favorite riddle:
"How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"A fish."
Those who find this funny know something about surrealism (or think they do), something about fish and something about a generic joke form that in years gone by could just as easily have referenced morons, Polacks, psychotherapists, or Democrats. How many surrealists are going to sue me? Hello, Dali?
John Kerry's faux pas
What he said:
"You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq."
What aides said was in a prepared text:
"Do you know where you end up if you don't study, if you aren't smart, if you're intellectually lazy? You end up getting us stuck in a war in Iraq. Just ask President Bush."
- J. Kerry, America's most misquoted humorist
According to intellectually lazy AP reporter Jennifer Loven, October 31, 2006:
The White House accused Sen. John Kerry on Tuesday of troop-bashing, seizing on a comment the Democrat made to California students that those unable to navigate the country's education system "get stuck in Iraq."
"Senator Kerry not only owes an apology to those who are serving, but also to the families of those who've given their lives in this," White House press secretary Tony Snow said. "This is an absolute insult."
Huh? I Thought the Main Stream Media Were Always Bashing Bush?
Some background information may have changed how people perceived what they thought they may have heard, or what someone may have told them they should have heard later, even if they've never heard the original quote or read Kerry's original prepared version of a poorly drafted joke (Are you listening, Jennifer? Can you hear me now?):
1. Since John neglected to mention either fish or surrealists by name in his joke, we need to draw on other external references to determine the context of the joke.
2. John was speaking to an audience of college students, hence his reference to hard work and study in school.
3. John was a college student once. Back in the 1960's, before he served his country in the Vietnam War, he went to Yale, a stuffy, snooty, Ivy League, East Coast bastion of intellectual snobbery. Presumably, he studied hard, learned a lot and went on to use his education to help his fellow man and to achieve a certain amount of success as a United States Senator and a one-time candidate for the Presidency of the United States. He lost.
4. John structured his joke using the impersonal (and ineffectual) pronoun "you," failing to make it clear whether he was referring to himself, to a specific college student in the audience, to each and every student in the audience, to the generic "one," or to the current President of the United States, George W. Bush.
5. As anyone who has ever gone to college, or anyone who has ever stumbled into a campaign rally, or anyone living and breathing in the United States, knows, people who make speeches, be they politicians, professors, or clergymen, tend to lecture their audiences on the virtues of working or studying hard in order to become successful or to achieve their life's dreams and ambitions, and then they make clumsy jokes about it ("it" in this context refers to the compound gerund "working or studying" in case you lost track. Of course the concept of working and studying in college these days has become an oxymoron unto itself, but that's another subject.).
6. Therefore, Mr. Kerry could have been expected to exhort his audience members to strive for success through hard work. Since this was also an election year speech, Mr. Kerry could also have been expected to criticize his former adversary (and the subject of much invective of late), President George W. Bush, whose policies, accomplishments, and malapropisms are considered fair game in election contests throughout the country.
7. Now refer back to Point 3 above. Just as John was a college student once, so was President Bush. In fact, back in the 1960's, before he did everything possible to avoid serving his country in the Vietnam War, he went to Yale, a distinguished university located in the heartland of this great country of ours, presumably somewhere near Crawford, Texas. Presumptuously, he neither studied hard, nor learned a lot, although he did manage to buy himself a Governorship on the way to becoming a two-time candidate for the Presidency of the United States. He lost, too. Probably twice. Nevertheless, George W. Bush went on to prove that an under-achieving "C" student can, with the right amount of family backing (and back-stabbing), money, prestige, money, greed, arrogance, money, and the best politicians, lawyers, and judges that money can buy, achieve the appearance of greatness by becoming President of the United States.
8. And so, because he inadvertently used the impartial pronoun "you," because he forgot to mention the surrealists or to thank them for all the fish, and because his timing was less than impeccable, John Kerry failed to deliver the joke that could have broken this race wide open for Democrats in general and Phil Angelides in particular.
The Joke That Could Have Been President
"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. Education is a sacred and rewarding endeavor. If one makes the most of it, if one studies hard, if one does one's homework and one makes an effort to be smart, one can do well. I stand before you as a living, breathing example. I worked and studied hard. I became a successful public servant. I proudly served in the United States Navy. I became a United States Senator. I even had the honor and opportunity to be nominated by my party and to run for the highest office in this great land of ours. On the other hand, if one doesn't make the most of one's educational opportunities, if one fails to study hard, if one's homework is undone, and one makes no effort to be smart, one can find oneself occupying the Oval Office, apparently realizing one's grandest dreams, only to find oneself stuck in Iraq."
Note the subtle self-deprecating tone and the implied references to the surprisingly parallel lives of Kerry and Bush. Bask in the demure irony of innuendo. Wallow in the drip of sarcasm. Unfortunately, all of these concepts are wasted on the Republican spin-meisters and dull-witted media whores looking for the easiest of the cheap shots, the dirtiest mud to sling, anything for a headline that diverts attention away from the corrupt and incompetent.
The Aristocrats
Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld walk in to a talent agency (voting booth). The agent (voter) says, "What have you got?" They respond with a graphic and gory plan to invade a sovereign nation without provocation; to lose the lives of three thousand American servicemen, to kill tens of thousands of men, women, and children; to increase the national debt exponentially; to grant obscene tax breaks to the wealthiest 1 % of the population; and to revoke habeas corpus; all while spreading fear and hate among the general populace so they can exploit them for their own personal gain.
The talent agent (voter), in stunned silence and disbelief, screams "That's the most disturbing debacle of debauchery I've ever heard. What do you call your act?"
To which they respond, in unison, "The Republicans!"
That's not funny, either.
1. Never apologize for a joke that bombs. Suck it up and move on to the next one.
2. If you have to explain a joke, it's not funny.
3. Don't overestimate your audience. Sarcasm, irony, and subtlety are lost on the masses.
4. Remember to always and forever be politically correct in all that you say, do, or think, or suffer the consequences of having the holier than thou sycophants do your thinking and speaking for you.
5. Don't try to analyze a joke that misfires - it's too late, and the analysis of an unfunny joke won't be funny, either. Aren't we trying to be funny, after all?
Now here's my analysis of what went wrong, what should have gone right, and the tragedy that resulted from this earth-shattering election year disaster.
The History of Humor (well, almost)
As soon as my daughter learned something about surrealism, this became her favorite riddle:
"How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?"
"A fish."
Those who find this funny know something about surrealism (or think they do), something about fish and something about a generic joke form that in years gone by could just as easily have referenced morons, Polacks, psychotherapists, or Democrats. How many surrealists are going to sue me? Hello, Dali?
John Kerry's faux pas
What he said:
"You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq."
What aides said was in a prepared text:
"Do you know where you end up if you don't study, if you aren't smart, if you're intellectually lazy? You end up getting us stuck in a war in Iraq. Just ask President Bush."
- J. Kerry, America's most misquoted humorist
According to intellectually lazy AP reporter Jennifer Loven, October 31, 2006:
The White House accused Sen. John Kerry on Tuesday of troop-bashing, seizing on a comment the Democrat made to California students that those unable to navigate the country's education system "get stuck in Iraq."
"Senator Kerry not only owes an apology to those who are serving, but also to the families of those who've given their lives in this," White House press secretary Tony Snow said. "This is an absolute insult."
Huh? I Thought the Main Stream Media Were Always Bashing Bush?
Some background information may have changed how people perceived what they thought they may have heard, or what someone may have told them they should have heard later, even if they've never heard the original quote or read Kerry's original prepared version of a poorly drafted joke (Are you listening, Jennifer? Can you hear me now?):
1. Since John neglected to mention either fish or surrealists by name in his joke, we need to draw on other external references to determine the context of the joke.
2. John was speaking to an audience of college students, hence his reference to hard work and study in school.
3. John was a college student once. Back in the 1960's, before he served his country in the Vietnam War, he went to Yale, a stuffy, snooty, Ivy League, East Coast bastion of intellectual snobbery. Presumably, he studied hard, learned a lot and went on to use his education to help his fellow man and to achieve a certain amount of success as a United States Senator and a one-time candidate for the Presidency of the United States. He lost.
4. John structured his joke using the impersonal (and ineffectual) pronoun "you," failing to make it clear whether he was referring to himself, to a specific college student in the audience, to each and every student in the audience, to the generic "one," or to the current President of the United States, George W. Bush.
5. As anyone who has ever gone to college, or anyone who has ever stumbled into a campaign rally, or anyone living and breathing in the United States, knows, people who make speeches, be they politicians, professors, or clergymen, tend to lecture their audiences on the virtues of working or studying hard in order to become successful or to achieve their life's dreams and ambitions, and then they make clumsy jokes about it ("it" in this context refers to the compound gerund "working or studying" in case you lost track. Of course the concept of working and studying in college these days has become an oxymoron unto itself, but that's another subject.).
6. Therefore, Mr. Kerry could have been expected to exhort his audience members to strive for success through hard work. Since this was also an election year speech, Mr. Kerry could also have been expected to criticize his former adversary (and the subject of much invective of late), President George W. Bush, whose policies, accomplishments, and malapropisms are considered fair game in election contests throughout the country.
7. Now refer back to Point 3 above. Just as John was a college student once, so was President Bush. In fact, back in the 1960's, before he did everything possible to avoid serving his country in the Vietnam War, he went to Yale, a distinguished university located in the heartland of this great country of ours, presumably somewhere near Crawford, Texas. Presumptuously, he neither studied hard, nor learned a lot, although he did manage to buy himself a Governorship on the way to becoming a two-time candidate for the Presidency of the United States. He lost, too. Probably twice. Nevertheless, George W. Bush went on to prove that an under-achieving "C" student can, with the right amount of family backing (and back-stabbing), money, prestige, money, greed, arrogance, money, and the best politicians, lawyers, and judges that money can buy, achieve the appearance of greatness by becoming President of the United States.
8. And so, because he inadvertently used the impartial pronoun "you," because he forgot to mention the surrealists or to thank them for all the fish, and because his timing was less than impeccable, John Kerry failed to deliver the joke that could have broken this race wide open for Democrats in general and Phil Angelides in particular.
The Joke That Could Have Been President
"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. Education is a sacred and rewarding endeavor. If one makes the most of it, if one studies hard, if one does one's homework and one makes an effort to be smart, one can do well. I stand before you as a living, breathing example. I worked and studied hard. I became a successful public servant. I proudly served in the United States Navy. I became a United States Senator. I even had the honor and opportunity to be nominated by my party and to run for the highest office in this great land of ours. On the other hand, if one doesn't make the most of one's educational opportunities, if one fails to study hard, if one's homework is undone, and one makes no effort to be smart, one can find oneself occupying the Oval Office, apparently realizing one's grandest dreams, only to find oneself stuck in Iraq."
Note the subtle self-deprecating tone and the implied references to the surprisingly parallel lives of Kerry and Bush. Bask in the demure irony of innuendo. Wallow in the drip of sarcasm. Unfortunately, all of these concepts are wasted on the Republican spin-meisters and dull-witted media whores looking for the easiest of the cheap shots, the dirtiest mud to sling, anything for a headline that diverts attention away from the corrupt and incompetent.
The Aristocrats
Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld walk in to a talent agency (voting booth). The agent (voter) says, "What have you got?" They respond with a graphic and gory plan to invade a sovereign nation without provocation; to lose the lives of three thousand American servicemen, to kill tens of thousands of men, women, and children; to increase the national debt exponentially; to grant obscene tax breaks to the wealthiest 1 % of the population; and to revoke habeas corpus; all while spreading fear and hate among the general populace so they can exploit them for their own personal gain.
The talent agent (voter), in stunned silence and disbelief, screams "That's the most disturbing debacle of debauchery I've ever heard. What do you call your act?"
To which they respond, in unison, "The Republicans!"
That's not funny, either.
posted by Sanity Clause | 12:31 AM
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